WHY I FIND COOKING STRESSFUL: IT'S A CONSPIRACY

Listen, I know it's been a while.

I've actually had many blog posts in mind because A) I've been cooking more and B) I'VE BEEN COOKING WITH A BOY.

Which can be its own stress. That's for another blog post.

Today, let's consider a conspiracy I stumbled on in the dressing aisle at my local Market Basket.

Exhibit A

Exact same dressing, right? I bought the one on the left a few months ago. I've been eating lots of salads, and I like this dressing because it doesn't have a ton of sodium compared to others.

I bought the one on the right today because, as you can see, I'm almost out.

I keep this dressing in my little pantry because THE BOTTLE TOLD ME IT DOESN'T NEED TO BE REFRIGERATED.

Now for Exhibit B...

Can you see the issue here?

The one on the left says DOES NOT REQUIRE REFRIGERATION.

The one on the right says REFRIGERATE AFTER OPENING.

Also, upon closer inspection, this "classic" oil and vinegar dressing has changed slightly (in the ingredients and amounts, which perhaps spurred the need to refrigerate now? I have no idea how these things work, but you'd think the bottle might say something like "Improved recipe, same great taste," just to warn people).

In the new bottle, the fat and carbs have gone down, and the sodium has gone up, and it's for the same serving of two tablespoons, although my old bottle considers two tablespoons 30 grams and the new bottle considers two tablespoons 31 grams and that somehow seems wrong to me, but I almost failed chemistry in high school and still contend high school chemistry and home ec should be combined so that you can learn practical skills (cooking) while understanding the science behind things like tablespoon measurements and how they change due to density or viscosity or because x=pi. (For the record, the calories remain the same in both bottles.)

I'm obsessive about these things, so I check labels a million times about refrigeration, and I almost had a heart attack when I saw this label on the new bottle and suddenly thought I'D BEEN STORING THE OTHER BOTTLE WRONG ALL THESE MONTHS AND THAT I WAS ABOUT TO DIE AS A RESULT.

I feel like the NewmansOwn.com people have some 'splaining to do...

Plague-filled Kitchen Sponges. Because I Don't Have Enough to Obsess Over.

So a "friend" shared this on Facebook: Cleaning a Dirty Sponge Only Helps Its Worst Bacteria, Study Says.

I have not had time to see who sponsored this study. (But I'm looking at you, sponge-people.)

As the cool kids say, "I can't even."

I mean, really.

And this line: "He says if you can’t clean it perfectly, it may be best to replace it with a new one every week or so — especially 'if it starts to move.'"

What the fuckity-fuck?

This cooking thing, this HUMAN thing, it's just too much.

Dishing...

I made two chicken dishes recently.

One was chicken and mushrooms in a garlic white wine sauce where I let the sauce cook too long, so it mostly evaporated. 

Sigh. 

You Say Tomato. I Say WTF is the Difference Between Roma and Plum?

One of the many reasons I hate cooking is because of things like roma vs. plum tomatoes.

I had a recipe call for one (I can't remember which one now) and I got to the store and it didn't have 'em, only the other kind. And I stood there wondering if it would make a difference.

Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish

Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish,

You are mine.

Don't even to begin to think for a moment that you belong to my ex-boyfriend's wife.

I mean, I bumped into you while visiting her Facebook page (more evidence that she and I would have gotten along; you know, if she hadn't so rudely broken up The Man and me and then went on to marry said man; she misses Obama as much as I do; unrequited BFFs forever!).

Not that I spend that much time on her page, mind you. Only occasionally, OK? When the urge hits. The curiosity.

And thank heavens for that BECAUSE THERE YOU WERE.

Just sitting there, waiting for me to happen upon you.

I Am NOT Alone with My Jar of Minced Garlic

Even when you're feeling totally alone in the world, Google reminds you that you're not. 

Because somewhere, someone else has the exact same question as you about the jar of minced garlic you finally opened. 

Spaghetti Squash Boat, or Boat Full of Botulism?

I made this.

I pooped a lot afterwards.

Like, the next morning.

I didn't feel sick or anything, but still.

"Easy" Homemade Dinner Rolls - LOL

Once again, recipe writers, please use your words correctly. When people see the word "easy," they think quick.

Maybe we shouldn't. But we do. So work with us, K?

The Sniff Test is Not Enough

My BFF alerted me to this gem in The Skimm, an early-morning email with the latest news written in a fun way. (No easy feat in these dark times.) I highly recommend it (and no; I haven't been paid or asked to endorse it.)

ANYHOW.

The gem. 

Here it is.

Can't read it? It's about "sell by" dates on foodstuffs, which I wrote about in this post where I revealed my trust issues with a pound of butter that was flirting with its sell-by date.

In case you can't read it, here's what it says (in part): "Sell by dates are a company's way of guessing at the freshness of food. They have nothing to do with safety. So stick to the smell test."

OMG THIS DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL.

If even the sell-by dates aren't REAL, then WTF is?

Anything?

Am I going mad?

AM I ALREADY THERE AND THIS IS WHAT MY FLAVOR OF MADNESS LOOKS LIKE?  

Listen. I hate maths and I overheard a tutoring session at the local Panera the other day and they were discussing moles, as in the kind used in chemistry, and I got all twitchy, but even I appreciate the scientific method, and THE SMELL TEST DOES NOT QUALIFY.

You want to know why? Because PEOPLE.

People's sniffers aren't objective.

Sure, I always sniff the cream I just opened, even if the sell-by date is way off, because I've been fooled before and fool me once and all that, but still. 

And if sell-by dates are fairy tales or, in this case, "guesses," why the hell are they on the packaging to begin with?

You know what?

As I write this, I think I'm confusing two things: sell-by dates and "best if used by" dates. 

OK.

Still, what's the standard? If sell-by dates are guesses, I say SCRAP them and provide "best if used by" dates.

Or better yet, blow up the whole system and give me what I really want: Dead by dates. 

And define it as such: The likelihood of you getting sick or dying dramatically increases if you eat this product after this date.

Is that so hard?

Sometimes, This Is Dinner

Any questions?

The Scariest Word in Recipes

To me, the scariest word in recipes is "meanwhile" and all of its various synonyms.

"Let the chicken brown for 2-4 minutes. Meanwhile, chop the onions, peppers, squash, tomatoes, eggplant, jicama, and garlic scapes and sprinkle with sea salt, Herbes de Provence, and a spritz of unicorn tears."

Haven't recipe writers heard the news that multitasking doesn't work?