The Sniff Test is Not Enough

My BFF alerted me to this gem in The Skimm, an early-morning email with the latest news written in a fun way. (No easy feat in these dark times.) I highly recommend it (and no; I haven't been paid or asked to endorse it.)

ANYHOW.

The gem. 

Here it is.

Can't read it? It's about "sell by" dates on foodstuffs, which I wrote about in this post where I revealed my trust issues with a pound of butter that was flirting with its sell-by date.

In case you can't read it, here's what it says (in part): "Sell by dates are a company's way of guessing at the freshness of food. They have nothing to do with safety. So stick to the smell test."

OMG THIS DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL.

If even the sell-by dates aren't REAL, then WTF is?

Anything?

Am I going mad?

AM I ALREADY THERE AND THIS IS WHAT MY FLAVOR OF MADNESS LOOKS LIKE?  

Listen. I hate maths and I overheard a tutoring session at the local Panera the other day and they were discussing moles, as in the kind used in chemistry, and I got all twitchy, but even I appreciate the scientific method, and THE SMELL TEST DOES NOT QUALIFY.

You want to know why? Because PEOPLE.

People's sniffers aren't objective.

Sure, I always sniff the cream I just opened, even if the sell-by date is way off, because I've been fooled before and fool me once and all that, but still. 

And if sell-by dates are fairy tales or, in this case, "guesses," why the hell are they on the packaging to begin with?

You know what?

As I write this, I think I'm confusing two things: sell-by dates and "best if used by" dates. 

OK.

Still, what's the standard? If sell-by dates are guesses, I say SCRAP them and provide "best if used by" dates.

Or better yet, blow up the whole system and give me what I really want: Dead by dates. 

And define it as such: The likelihood of you getting sick or dying dramatically increases if you eat this product after this date.

Is that so hard?