Dishing...

I made two chicken dishes recently.

One was chicken and mushrooms in a garlic white wine sauce where I let the sauce cook too long, so it mostly evaporated. 

Sigh. 

Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish

Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish,

You are mine.

Don't even to begin to think for a moment that you belong to my ex-boyfriend's wife.

I mean, I bumped into you while visiting her Facebook page (more evidence that she and I would have gotten along; you know, if she hadn't so rudely broken up The Man and me and then went on to marry said man; she misses Obama as much as I do; unrequited BFFs forever!).

Not that I spend that much time on her page, mind you. Only occasionally, OK? When the urge hits. The curiosity.

And thank heavens for that BECAUSE THERE YOU WERE.

Just sitting there, waiting for me to happen upon you.

Spaghetti Squash Boat, or Boat Full of Botulism?

I made this.

I pooped a lot afterwards.

Like, the next morning.

I didn't feel sick or anything, but still.

"Easy" Homemade Dinner Rolls - LOL

Once again, recipe writers, please use your words correctly. When people see the word "easy," they think quick.

Maybe we shouldn't. But we do. So work with us, K?

The Most Dangerous Thing I've Cooked So Far

Some bitch named Stella came down from the heavens and decided to sneeze six feet of snow onto Boston in the middle of March.

(I'll let you figure out which part of that is an exaggeration.)

Knowing I'd be trapped in the apartment and wanting comfort food, I thought I'd cook and decided on this One-Pot Creamy Chicken and Tortellini, which, depending on how I made it could be One-Pot of Creamy Salmonella.

You might think that's the danger part, but it's not.

Here's where the REAL danger comes in. And it's a two-fer.

The Mystery of the Second Thinly Sliced Apple

I have a theory.

A conspiracy theory.

One so much bigger than political shadow governments because it's so much more insidious.

And it involves ME.

Listen, I am an Idiot Cook. I own the title. I am working on reforming myself, but I will always be an Idiot Cook. I like to think that most people—even the Smarty Pants Chefs out there—are rooting for me. But now I believe I'm wrong. Because the evidence is mounting.

Allow me to introduce Exhibit A...

Easy Homemade Potato Gnocchi - LOL

A friend posted this video recipe on Facebook and it made me laugh. A lot. Let's see if you laugh, too. Watch and then read my reaction below.



"Easy" is my trigger word, especially when it's followed by the name of a recipe. I love the idea of having an arsenal of easy recipes I feel confident cooking. You know, I gotta keep up this charade called adulthood somehow.

I Survived the Feast of Fowl

I think I've found my first dish that I will enter into this thing called Regular Rotation.

Regular Rotation, as I understand it: your go-to meals. Meals that you feel confident making, that are straightforward to make, that everyone can agree on, that won't kill or sicken the masses.

Last night, I made Easy Tomato Baked Chicken from Kraft Foods. I'd made this dish probably 10 years ago and remembered it being tasty and relatively easy.

THERE IS NO SHAME IN THE WORD EASY, BY THE WAY.

Listen, I have no illusion about becoming Rachel, Julia, Emeril, or that Pioneer chick. This is me, people, a nervous idiot whose main goal is to cook without poisoning myself or others (once I get to that point--right now, I'm just cooking for moi).

I love easy recipes. I'm fairly certain you don't win a prize or extra life chips for spending three hours slaving over dinner as opposed to whipping something up in 30 minutes. I could use that extra 2.5 hours doing something else: reading, writing, contemplating my navel, figuring out how to get the crusty stains off my tub.

This recipe was easy, tasty, and healthy.

My Love-Hate Relationship with Cooking Blogs

I have a love/hate relationship with cooking blogs. 

I love them because they offer hope: what I could be, if I just tried a little harder, applied myself, and got over my fear of cooking fowl.

But I also hate them because they all look so calm and lovely with their high quality photographs and pastel colors with plenty of white space. They don't show the angst that someone like me goes through on a daily basis when it comes to cooking. I mean, seriously: The color of my blog should be blood, sweat, and tears. Think vomit (for food poisoning) and charred-black for burnt dinners. No white space, because nothing about my literal or figurative cooking life is clear and uncluttered.

Listen, I'm not a happy person, and I don't find this fun. Even the people who have blogs where they're learning to cook—these people are not like me. They're married or have boyfriends and are young and chipper and many have kids. They're not this single, sad, 44-year-old chick living in a studio apartment and who doesn't even have a cat anymore because the cat is dead.

But I go to these blogs anyway.                

#emotionalcutter

Often, I'll find recipes that look good and doable, but then I'll encounter this One Step or Sneaky Ingredient (or both) that throws me off and then I'm like, Hello, Papa Gino's. Come to mama. And don't forget the bread sticks either. No, they're not redundant with pizza!

Right now, I'm looking at Skinnytaste.com, which is a great website. It's all about healthy recipes. They have their 25 Most Popular Skinnytaste Recipes of 2016.

That Time I Adapted a Recipe Called Easy Penne Pasta Bake

5:00 PM

Okay. I wasn't even going to do this, because I was kind of having a nervous breakdown today. But the whole purpose of this stupid adventure is to learn to cook even when you don't feel like it.

I was going to make firecracker chicken. I survived the garlic chicken from last week. Then, as the day wore on, I wasn't feeling well. I said, "You know what? I'm not going to make chicken, because if I don't feel well tomorrow, I don't want to blame it on my cooking unless I absolutely know that's the cause."

Then, I remembered that I have a fairly well stocked pantry. I should be able to whip something up. In theory.

This is the thing, this is why I don't know how to cook, and this is the thing that eludes me and I probably am never going to learn because I do think this is a skill, to be able to look at a whole bunch of ingredients and be like "THIS is what I'm going to make!"

I can't do that. I don't ever see myself having that ability. I can follow a recipe. But to figure it out on my own? I can't do that.

I was thinking how about some penne with mozzarella and some tomatoes and maybe some peppers and onions, because I have a frozen bag of peppers and onions? You would think there would be some sort of recipe online with those ingredients. They're not weird ingredients. But, no. Not having any luck finding anything remotely like that.

I found a recipe called "Easy Penne Pasta Bake." I'm adapting it, which, right there, is scary. That's a scary word for me when it comes to cooking. Adapting.

That Time I Cooked Creamy Garlic Chicken

December 22, 5:00 PM

Tonight, I am going to make one pot creamy garlic chicken and rice.

The scary thing about this particular recipe? Chicken.

Now, I love chicken.

I eat a lot of chicken, but cooking chicken freaks me out.

It's not because of the animal thing or anything like that. It's because of germs. It's because I'm afraid I'm going to kill somebody, most notably myself, since I'm eating alone.

My fear is that I'm going to get whatever it is that you get when you eat bad chicken. I can't think of the name right now, but you know what I'm talking about.

[editor's note: salmonella]

So, this is a concern. This is a big deal.

I know for everyone else out there, cooking chicken is not a big deal, but it's a big deal for this chick. I didn't die last week when I made my spinach and pasta bake, because obviously I'm still here. But there wasn't anything all that dangerous in last week's meal.

Now we got some meat going on, so we got the danger.

The Surprise You Get When You Look Up “How Do I Thaw Frozen Spinach?”

I made this baked ziti with spinach. 

I didn't die. 

I didn't get sick. 

This, at the moment, is my measurement of culinary success. 

It was tasty. I recommend it.

But I'm not here to post a recipe. This is about a certain step in the recipe that will demonstrate WHY I get so frustrated with cooking. So you're going to hear all about my frustration and maybe learn something along with me.

First, here is my big issue with recipes in general. This particular recipe, in theory, should have taken me 15 minutes of prep and then a half hour of cooking, so we're talking 45 minutes.

BUT IT NEVER WORKS THAT WAY. 

Why? 

Because I am an idiot and don't know what I'm doing. They should include TWO times: the one for people who have a clue about cooking and the one for the rest of us who need to read the recipe ten zillion times, have a nervous breakdown, and google steps within the recipe in order to figure things out. The googling takes time, people. Even if you don't fall down a rabbit hole, the googling takes time. 

Here's a perfect example from this recipe. You have to use a 10 ounce package of frozen spinach, thawed. Okay, sounds simple, right? Frozen spinach. That's supposed to make life easier. But then I thought about it and was like "Hmm. Do I know how to thaw frozen spinach? Let's make sure I'm clear on that."