Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish

Dear Baked Pesto Chicken Dish,

You are mine.

Don't even to begin to think for a moment that you belong to my ex-boyfriend's wife.

I mean, I bumped into you while visiting her Facebook page (more evidence that she and I would have gotten along; you know, if she hadn't so rudely broken up The Man and me and then went on to marry said man; she misses Obama as much as I do; unrequited BFFs forever!).

Not that I spend that much time on her page, mind you. Only occasionally, OK? When the urge hits. The curiosity.

And thank heavens for that BECAUSE THERE YOU WERE.

Just sitting there, waiting for me to happen upon you.

I Am NOT Alone with My Jar of Minced Garlic

Even when you're feeling totally alone in the world, Google reminds you that you're not. 

Because somewhere, someone else has the exact same question as you about the jar of minced garlic you finally opened. 

Spaghetti Squash Boat, or Boat Full of Botulism?

I made this.

I pooped a lot afterwards.

Like, the next morning.

I didn't feel sick or anything, but still.

"Easy" Homemade Dinner Rolls - LOL

Once again, recipe writers, please use your words correctly. When people see the word "easy," they think quick.

Maybe we shouldn't. But we do. So work with us, K?

The Sniff Test is Not Enough

My BFF alerted me to this gem in The Skimm, an early-morning email with the latest news written in a fun way. (No easy feat in these dark times.) I highly recommend it (and no; I haven't been paid or asked to endorse it.)

ANYHOW.

The gem. 

Here it is.

Can't read it? It's about "sell by" dates on foodstuffs, which I wrote about in this post where I revealed my trust issues with a pound of butter that was flirting with its sell-by date.

In case you can't read it, here's what it says (in part): "Sell by dates are a company's way of guessing at the freshness of food. They have nothing to do with safety. So stick to the smell test."

OMG THIS DOES NOT HELP ME AT ALL.

If even the sell-by dates aren't REAL, then WTF is?

Anything?

Am I going mad?

AM I ALREADY THERE AND THIS IS WHAT MY FLAVOR OF MADNESS LOOKS LIKE?  

Listen. I hate maths and I overheard a tutoring session at the local Panera the other day and they were discussing moles, as in the kind used in chemistry, and I got all twitchy, but even I appreciate the scientific method, and THE SMELL TEST DOES NOT QUALIFY.

You want to know why? Because PEOPLE.

People's sniffers aren't objective.

Sure, I always sniff the cream I just opened, even if the sell-by date is way off, because I've been fooled before and fool me once and all that, but still. 

And if sell-by dates are fairy tales or, in this case, "guesses," why the hell are they on the packaging to begin with?

You know what?

As I write this, I think I'm confusing two things: sell-by dates and "best if used by" dates. 

OK.

Still, what's the standard? If sell-by dates are guesses, I say SCRAP them and provide "best if used by" dates.

Or better yet, blow up the whole system and give me what I really want: Dead by dates. 

And define it as such: The likelihood of you getting sick or dying dramatically increases if you eat this product after this date.

Is that so hard?

Sometimes, This Is Dinner

Any questions?

The Scariest Word in Recipes

To me, the scariest word in recipes is "meanwhile" and all of its various synonyms.

"Let the chicken brown for 2-4 minutes. Meanwhile, chop the onions, peppers, squash, tomatoes, eggplant, jicama, and garlic scapes and sprinkle with sea salt, Herbes de Provence, and a spritz of unicorn tears."

Haven't recipe writers heard the news that multitasking doesn't work? 

Crushed Red Pepper Flakes: Seasoning of the Gods?

This ingredient has been showing up in so many recipes I've been perusing lately, like this one, this one (which I made), and this one.

It's to the point where I laugh whenever I come across it listed in the ingredients. 

Fun on a Saturday Night: Comments on Cooking Blogs

I miss Gawker, mainly for the entertaining-never-dull comments, but the comment sections on cooking blogs are winning me over.

To wit, check out the very happy comment followed by the incredibly irate comment (complete with the threat of a lawsuit!).

This was for a dessert dish, BTW. Which makes it even funnier to me for some reason.

Cooking Conspiracy Theory: Exhibit B

Last week, I wrote that I have a theory.

A conspiracy theory.

The one where the Smarty Pants Cooks are out to mess with us Idiot Cooks.

Now, I present you with Exhibit B...

The Most Dangerous Thing I've Cooked So Far

Some bitch named Stella came down from the heavens and decided to sneeze six feet of snow onto Boston in the middle of March.

(I'll let you figure out which part of that is an exaggeration.)

Knowing I'd be trapped in the apartment and wanting comfort food, I thought I'd cook and decided on this One-Pot Creamy Chicken and Tortellini, which, depending on how I made it could be One-Pot of Creamy Salmonella.

You might think that's the danger part, but it's not.

Here's where the REAL danger comes in. And it's a two-fer.