The Mystery of the Second Thinly Sliced Apple

I have a theory.

A conspiracy theory.

One so much bigger than political shadow governments because it's so much more insidious.

And it involves ME.

Listen, I am an Idiot Cook. I own the title. I am working on reforming myself, but I will always be an Idiot Cook. I like to think that most people—even the Smarty Pants Chefs out there—are rooting for me. But now I believe I'm wrong. Because the evidence is mounting.

Allow me to introduce Exhibit A...

Here it is, another video recipe. (Those reading via email should click through to view the video!)



Looks good, right? I thought so. A friend posted it on Facebook. He said he made the dish and it was easy and tasty. Easy AND tasty? Sounds good to me. So I clicked through to the recipe.

Here's where the conspiracy theory comes in. I think the Smarty Pants Chefs out there like to torture Idiot Cooks like me. Especially ones like me who are already highly anxious.

Check out the item in the ingredients list circled in red.

In case you can't read it, the line says "2 apples, thinly sliced (only use 1 for recipe)."

What the fuckety fuck, people?

Now in case you haven't already figured it out, I CAN'T LET SOMETHING LIKE THIS GO.

What are you supposed to do with the second thinly sliced apple?

Here's the thing: if they had just left it "2 apples, thinly sliced," I wouldn't have given it a second thought. There are two pieces of meat, so the two-apples directive makes perfect sense.

But no. Someone added that line.

This isn't a typo, folks. This is premeditated fuckery. The parentheses suggest as much.

And here's what I think: IT'S CODE.

The Smarty Pants Chefs are teaming up against us Idiot Cooks. It's like the Jets vs. the Sharks, the Hatfields vs. McCoys, Hamilton vs. Burr.

And this is how they communicate with one another. By putting in WTF directions into their seemingly innocent comfort-food-for-a-fall-evening recipe.

I'm onto you, SPCs.

We ICs won't go down without a fight.

(I might still try this recipe, however. It DOES look good.)