Sometimes, This Is Dinner

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The Scariest Word in Recipes

To me, the scariest word in recipes is "meanwhile" and all of its various synonyms.

"Let the chicken brown for 2-4 minutes. Meanwhile, chop the onions, peppers, squash, tomatoes, eggplant, jicama, and garlic scapes and sprinkle with sea salt, Herbes de Provence, and a spritz of unicorn tears."

Haven't recipe writers heard the news that multitasking doesn't work? 

Crushed Red Pepper Flakes: Seasoning of the Gods?

This ingredient has been showing up in so many recipes I've been perusing lately, like this one, this one (which I made), and this one.

It's to the point where I laugh whenever I come across it listed in the ingredients. 

Fun on a Saturday Night: Comments on Cooking Blogs

I miss Gawker, mainly for the entertaining-never-dull comments, but the comment sections on cooking blogs are winning me over.

To wit, check out the very happy comment followed by the incredibly irate comment (complete with the threat of a lawsuit!).

This was for a dessert dish, BTW. Which makes it even funnier to me for some reason.

Cooking Conspiracy Theory: Exhibit B

Last week, I wrote that I have a theory.

A conspiracy theory.

The one where the Smarty Pants Cooks are out to mess with us Idiot Cooks.

Now, I present you with Exhibit B...

The Most Dangerous Thing I've Cooked So Far

Some bitch named Stella came down from the heavens and decided to sneeze six feet of snow onto Boston in the middle of March.

(I'll let you figure out which part of that is an exaggeration.)

Knowing I'd be trapped in the apartment and wanting comfort food, I thought I'd cook and decided on this One-Pot Creamy Chicken and Tortellini, which, depending on how I made it could be One-Pot of Creamy Salmonella.

You might think that's the danger part, but it's not.

Here's where the REAL danger comes in. And it's a two-fer.

Mind Games with Vegetables - Let's Play!

So I've been writing this blog in virtual anonymity for the last three months. I'm a full-time writer (copywriter by day, novelist by night), so I'm quite used to people reading my work.

I have to say it's been liberating writing without anyone I know reading this here site.

That ended last week when a friend of mine stumbled on it by way of a buried link on my Google+ profile.

What Type of Cook Do I Aspire to Be?

Not Rachael Ray.

Or that Pioneer Chick.

Or Gordon Ramsay.

Or the cute-as-hell foodie bros I discovered on YouTube.

My aspiration involves a fictional character: Carol, from The Walking Dead. (You know, minus the violent husband, dead child, and overall zombie apocalypse world in which she lives.)

The Mystery of the Second Thinly Sliced Apple

I have a theory.

A conspiracy theory.

One so much bigger than political shadow governments because it's so much more insidious.

And it involves ME.

Listen, I am an Idiot Cook. I own the title. I am working on reforming myself, but I will always be an Idiot Cook. I like to think that most people—even the Smarty Pants Chefs out there—are rooting for me. But now I believe I'm wrong. Because the evidence is mounting.

Allow me to introduce Exhibit A...

Easy Homemade Potato Gnocchi - LOL

A friend posted this video recipe on Facebook and it made me laugh. A lot. Let's see if you laugh, too. Watch and then read my reaction below.



"Easy" is my trigger word, especially when it's followed by the name of a recipe. I love the idea of having an arsenal of easy recipes I feel confident cooking. You know, I gotta keep up this charade called adulthood somehow.

When Your Regular Rotation Dish Wakes You Up at 3AM

Do you blame the chicken, or the cook?

This is why cooking stresses me out, the constant fear of getting sick (or making other people sick) because I have NO CONFIDENCE.

I made my one-and-only regular rotation dish last night (second time in a month!). I used a meat thermometer to combat my Fear of Fowl (TM) and cooked the darn dish for fifteen minutes longer than the recipe called for because that's what I did last time and because I don't trust my oven, but, honestly, that's the oven's fault.

Tasted great. I may have had two servings while watching the latest episode of The Blacklist and then catching a freebie version of Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 (don't judge) and wondering if men can actually love a woman like Edward loves Bella Swan.

Everything's fine until 3AM when I awaken to a noisy tummy and the need to, you know, go, and I start calculating when I had dinner (7PM) and wondering if botulism can kick in that fast and then wondering if it could be the dinner I had out the night before (filet mignon, something I will never, ever attempt to cook). How do people or the CDC ever pinpoint what, exactly, made them sick when food poisoning is indeed the culprit?